Bookends
"Time it was and what a time it was
it was a time of innocence
a time of confidences."
I 'd been having trouble sleeping earlier this week and went to bed relatively early Tuesday night. My almost-15-year-old daughter had her best friend over to spend the night, to patch up a quarrel and just be girls together, with no boys or siblings around for a change.
I slept fitfully and had to get up to let the dog out around 1 am. While waiting for the dog, I discovered the girls asleep in the living room: one stretched out on the couch, and one in the big reading chair with the ottoman pushed against it for the extra length, curled up with comforters, pillows -- and stuffed animals.
Now, I knew my daughter still slept with her bear -- Fuzzy has been part of her bedtime ritual for at least a decade. I thought Hillary's attachment to a "cuddle object" was rooted in the divorce and in missing her dad, looking for some source of comfort. And maybe that's true, despite the disconnect I've sensed for a while now: the "I'm old enough to make my own decisions" but "I need comfort and security to fall asleep" dichotomy.
So I was surprised to see Kayla with a stuffed animal clutched close, too: a fluffy, soft puppy.
Kayla seems to have it all: Her parents are together, she's beautiful (you should see this girl's eyes), smart, popular -- maybe not rich, but certainly not poor, either. Why would she, this girl who seems so "together," need a cuddle object?
In retrospect, I think I may have found the answer before the question.
The fight the girls needed to patch up hinged on taking a stand about what they each believe, what they were ready to stand up for instead of just "going with it." Hillary decided to draw the line in this instance; Kayla went with the group.
What makes me angry is that these girls -- these kids! -- were forced to make a very hard decision. I don't blame Kayla. I understand that she wanted to take the path of least resistance, to not rock the boat. I don't agree with her decision, but I understand it: that was me, at her age. Although I didn't face a decision to hang out with kids getting high, God knows I didn't want to stand out in any way or cause any problems.
I know our kids are supposed to be educated to be "strong," to "just say no" and all the other platitudes that have been peddled by people who are disconnected from the reality that is teenagerhood in this day and age. I know parents are supposed to "keep the lines of communication open," a line that makes me want to scream. (What -- do the "experts" think we tell our kids to only talk about their great grades and nothing else? Do they have a freaking CLUE how secretive these teenagers are, despite our best efforts?)
I didn't sleep with a teddy bear when I was 15, ready to start drivers' ed... but I didn't have to call my sister to come pick me up because some friends were getting high, either. What is the answer here? Or maybe the question should be, what is the problem?
"Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memories
They're all that's left you."
it was a time of innocence
a time of confidences."
I 'd been having trouble sleeping earlier this week and went to bed relatively early Tuesday night. My almost-15-year-old daughter had her best friend over to spend the night, to patch up a quarrel and just be girls together, with no boys or siblings around for a change.
I slept fitfully and had to get up to let the dog out around 1 am. While waiting for the dog, I discovered the girls asleep in the living room: one stretched out on the couch, and one in the big reading chair with the ottoman pushed against it for the extra length, curled up with comforters, pillows -- and stuffed animals.
Now, I knew my daughter still slept with her bear -- Fuzzy has been part of her bedtime ritual for at least a decade. I thought Hillary's attachment to a "cuddle object" was rooted in the divorce and in missing her dad, looking for some source of comfort. And maybe that's true, despite the disconnect I've sensed for a while now: the "I'm old enough to make my own decisions" but "I need comfort and security to fall asleep" dichotomy.
So I was surprised to see Kayla with a stuffed animal clutched close, too: a fluffy, soft puppy.
Kayla seems to have it all: Her parents are together, she's beautiful (you should see this girl's eyes), smart, popular -- maybe not rich, but certainly not poor, either. Why would she, this girl who seems so "together," need a cuddle object?
In retrospect, I think I may have found the answer before the question.
The fight the girls needed to patch up hinged on taking a stand about what they each believe, what they were ready to stand up for instead of just "going with it." Hillary decided to draw the line in this instance; Kayla went with the group.
What makes me angry is that these girls -- these kids! -- were forced to make a very hard decision. I don't blame Kayla. I understand that she wanted to take the path of least resistance, to not rock the boat. I don't agree with her decision, but I understand it: that was me, at her age. Although I didn't face a decision to hang out with kids getting high, God knows I didn't want to stand out in any way or cause any problems.
I know our kids are supposed to be educated to be "strong," to "just say no" and all the other platitudes that have been peddled by people who are disconnected from the reality that is teenagerhood in this day and age. I know parents are supposed to "keep the lines of communication open," a line that makes me want to scream. (What -- do the "experts" think we tell our kids to only talk about their great grades and nothing else? Do they have a freaking CLUE how secretive these teenagers are, despite our best efforts?)
I didn't sleep with a teddy bear when I was 15, ready to start drivers' ed... but I didn't have to call my sister to come pick me up because some friends were getting high, either. What is the answer here? Or maybe the question should be, what is the problem?
"Long ago it must be
I have a photograph
Preserve your memories
They're all that's left you."
posted by Mary at 3:28 PM
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