A flying leap
I've been remiss: three months since I've posted a word. But it's been an interesting three months, and I want to document some of this so I can look back (in another three months?) and see if the momentum I've sensed is continuing to move me toward the goals I've defined.
So I'll start back at the second week of January, when my employer announced that significant layoffs would take place in mid-February. I wasn't shocked; layoff rumors had been circulating for months. When they then announced that my work group would be affected, I could genuinely say I knew that was coming. I was surprised -- pleasantly! -- when information about the severance package began to circulate. (It was more generous than any package I've ever heard of.) I was convinced, based on several comments, circumstances and incidents, that I would be laid off.
I was more than just prepared: I was positively thrilled at the prospect of walking out the door with months and months of pay and benefits handed to me. I had visions of how I would spend my time and energy: spruce up and clean out the house; work in the yard once spring arrived; write; cook; exercise; learn a new instrument; dig up some freelance work... The prospect of having control over the way I spend my time and energy, of following my own schedule instead of some corporate 8 - 5 mandate, of taking an afternoon off to take care of myself or my daughter -- or the dog, if need be -- was deeply appealing.
So when the day arrived and I found out that I wasn't laid off, I took it hard -- not as hard as one person I work with who went into her cube and literally wailed -- but it was a shock, a disappointment. I did cry after I got home. It felt like mourning: I had summoned this beautiful vision of what I wanted my life to look like and then had it snatched away.
At least that was how it felt those first few days of disappointment. But it finally occurred to me that the time spent re-visioning my life wasn't wasted. In the process of daydreaming about my life after layoff, I actually had laid out a good path for myself, a pretty solid identification of the parts of my life that I feel aren't working and the changes I need to make. The difference is that these changes will have to happen in small, gradual steps instead of one big, sweeping change.
Many of those small steps are defined, and a few are even accomplished or scheduled: invest in a new computer so I have a key tool necessary to pursue freelance work; take a cooking class; schedule writing time -- and honor that commitment. I've set some deadlines for myself that aren't harsh but will help keep me accountable and moving in the right direction. I still have some big steps to take, but I feel like I'm gathering momentum, like a long-jumper who starts out one stride at a time and gradually gains speed before taking the giant leap. I'm only just beginning the run-up to the big leap -- and I don't know how long that run-up may take -- but I do feel that I'm finally on my way to something that feels more authentic, more balanced and more satisfying than the corporate grind.
So I'll start back at the second week of January, when my employer announced that significant layoffs would take place in mid-February. I wasn't shocked; layoff rumors had been circulating for months. When they then announced that my work group would be affected, I could genuinely say I knew that was coming. I was surprised -- pleasantly! -- when information about the severance package began to circulate. (It was more generous than any package I've ever heard of.) I was convinced, based on several comments, circumstances and incidents, that I would be laid off.
I was more than just prepared: I was positively thrilled at the prospect of walking out the door with months and months of pay and benefits handed to me. I had visions of how I would spend my time and energy: spruce up and clean out the house; work in the yard once spring arrived; write; cook; exercise; learn a new instrument; dig up some freelance work... The prospect of having control over the way I spend my time and energy, of following my own schedule instead of some corporate 8 - 5 mandate, of taking an afternoon off to take care of myself or my daughter -- or the dog, if need be -- was deeply appealing.
So when the day arrived and I found out that I wasn't laid off, I took it hard -- not as hard as one person I work with who went into her cube and literally wailed -- but it was a shock, a disappointment. I did cry after I got home. It felt like mourning: I had summoned this beautiful vision of what I wanted my life to look like and then had it snatched away.
At least that was how it felt those first few days of disappointment. But it finally occurred to me that the time spent re-visioning my life wasn't wasted. In the process of daydreaming about my life after layoff, I actually had laid out a good path for myself, a pretty solid identification of the parts of my life that I feel aren't working and the changes I need to make. The difference is that these changes will have to happen in small, gradual steps instead of one big, sweeping change.
Many of those small steps are defined, and a few are even accomplished or scheduled: invest in a new computer so I have a key tool necessary to pursue freelance work; take a cooking class; schedule writing time -- and honor that commitment. I've set some deadlines for myself that aren't harsh but will help keep me accountable and moving in the right direction. I still have some big steps to take, but I feel like I'm gathering momentum, like a long-jumper who starts out one stride at a time and gradually gains speed before taking the giant leap. I'm only just beginning the run-up to the big leap -- and I don't know how long that run-up may take -- but I do feel that I'm finally on my way to something that feels more authentic, more balanced and more satisfying than the corporate grind.
posted by Mary at 11:54 AM
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