Pure Luck
I'm aggravated with my oldest daughter right now. She is generally doing well on her own: managing her time handling a full class load, keeping her grades up; living in an apartment that she has to keep clean and safe, cooking for herself. But she still has a lot to learn about managing money. The child runs through money like water; she always has. And this week, yet again, she incurred overdraft fees in her account because she simply didn't keep track of what was coming in and what was going out. Those fees sure make her trips to Target much more expensive than they need to be.
Her inattention to this kind of thing irritates me no end. And yet...
She came home a few weeks ago to visit a girlfriend she's known since middle school. Maggie has been fighting various forms of cancer for the past five years and has shown remarkable spirit and strength. Mags got through her first year of college while living at home, undergoing chemotherapy for several months to eradicate cancerous lesions in her brain. In August, a scan showed everything was clear and Maggie flew to Portland, Oregon, to go to school in the same city as her older brother and to have a "real" college experience for the first time.
In September, another scan revealed that the cancer had staged a dramatic return: seven tumors in her brain.
Hannah called me, sobbing, with the news, and said, "Mom, I have to see her." I agreed, and bit the financial bullet to fly her home on short notice for a long weekend. She drove four hours with her other close high school girlfriends to see Maggie and offer what feeble support anyone can in such a circumstance.
I think Hannah was heartened by Maggie's strength, her optimism, her total lack of self-pity. But that doesn't change the fact that the likelihood of Maggie's survival isn't good. By the time Hannah comes home for Christmas break, who knows what condition Maggie will be in? The tumors were beginning to put pressure on the areas of Maggie's brain that support short-term memory. What happens if a tumor grows just so and affects Maggie's ability to see or speak? To breathe? The ability to make her heart beat? Who can say what will happen next in a situation like this?
And so I look at Hannah's bank account balance (currently in the minus $100 range) and feel irritation at her lack of money management skills. What a gift! My God, my daughter is healthy and well enough to go into small-time debt! Her father is anxious about it, calling her (and me) several times a day to find out if she's spent any more or called to bank to try to reverse any fees....and I'm finding I simply cannot share his angst. It just doesn't feel like an issue that needs to eat up my time and energy.
It's not that I have extra money to burn -- I don't. After all, I'm still paying off that airline ticket from last month. And it's not that I don't think about all the adolescent and teenage crap I've dealt with over the past five years -- out later than agreed, partying in ways and with people I frowned upon, depression and its accompanying issues, too-full schedules to juggle, disagreements and fights and irritations and tears.
But when I think about what Maggie's parents are facing, what I've been through is child's play compared to the weight of their trials. How can I get worked up about a piddling amount of money when I have so many gifts to celebrate in both of my daughters? No, they're not perfect -- neither am I. But even having the opportunity to make mistakes is a gift. (When is the last time I thought of a screw-up from that perspective?)
It is only pure luck that has allowed us to avoid (escape?) the weight of what Maggie and her family are facing right now. It could just as easily be me or one of my daughters facing a cancerous tumor or crippling accident or some other crisis. It could happen as soon as tomorrow. No guarantees. We say that again and again; we know it in our heads but not in our guts. We don't allow that knowledge to change us or the way we live.
All I can say is I'm trying. I'm trying to maintain an awareness, an appreciation for the fragility of our everyday lives. If that's what it takes to preserve our luck, it seems a small price to pay. I wish I could say this was the answer to avoiding life's tragedies. I wish I knew how to do that so I could pass the answer along to everyone else I love.
Her inattention to this kind of thing irritates me no end. And yet...
She came home a few weeks ago to visit a girlfriend she's known since middle school. Maggie has been fighting various forms of cancer for the past five years and has shown remarkable spirit and strength. Mags got through her first year of college while living at home, undergoing chemotherapy for several months to eradicate cancerous lesions in her brain. In August, a scan showed everything was clear and Maggie flew to Portland, Oregon, to go to school in the same city as her older brother and to have a "real" college experience for the first time.
In September, another scan revealed that the cancer had staged a dramatic return: seven tumors in her brain.
Hannah called me, sobbing, with the news, and said, "Mom, I have to see her." I agreed, and bit the financial bullet to fly her home on short notice for a long weekend. She drove four hours with her other close high school girlfriends to see Maggie and offer what feeble support anyone can in such a circumstance.
I think Hannah was heartened by Maggie's strength, her optimism, her total lack of self-pity. But that doesn't change the fact that the likelihood of Maggie's survival isn't good. By the time Hannah comes home for Christmas break, who knows what condition Maggie will be in? The tumors were beginning to put pressure on the areas of Maggie's brain that support short-term memory. What happens if a tumor grows just so and affects Maggie's ability to see or speak? To breathe? The ability to make her heart beat? Who can say what will happen next in a situation like this?
And so I look at Hannah's bank account balance (currently in the minus $100 range) and feel irritation at her lack of money management skills. What a gift! My God, my daughter is healthy and well enough to go into small-time debt! Her father is anxious about it, calling her (and me) several times a day to find out if she's spent any more or called to bank to try to reverse any fees....and I'm finding I simply cannot share his angst. It just doesn't feel like an issue that needs to eat up my time and energy.
It's not that I have extra money to burn -- I don't. After all, I'm still paying off that airline ticket from last month. And it's not that I don't think about all the adolescent and teenage crap I've dealt with over the past five years -- out later than agreed, partying in ways and with people I frowned upon, depression and its accompanying issues, too-full schedules to juggle, disagreements and fights and irritations and tears.
But when I think about what Maggie's parents are facing, what I've been through is child's play compared to the weight of their trials. How can I get worked up about a piddling amount of money when I have so many gifts to celebrate in both of my daughters? No, they're not perfect -- neither am I. But even having the opportunity to make mistakes is a gift. (When is the last time I thought of a screw-up from that perspective?)
It is only pure luck that has allowed us to avoid (escape?) the weight of what Maggie and her family are facing right now. It could just as easily be me or one of my daughters facing a cancerous tumor or crippling accident or some other crisis. It could happen as soon as tomorrow. No guarantees. We say that again and again; we know it in our heads but not in our guts. We don't allow that knowledge to change us or the way we live.
All I can say is I'm trying. I'm trying to maintain an awareness, an appreciation for the fragility of our everyday lives. If that's what it takes to preserve our luck, it seems a small price to pay. I wish I could say this was the answer to avoiding life's tragedies. I wish I knew how to do that so I could pass the answer along to everyone else I love.
posted by Mary at 4:36 PM
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