Balancing Act

This past week was better than it's been in a while... What do I mean by that? I mean that for the first time in several months, I did a better job of balancing obligations to work and home and self. The trick will be to keep the momentum going.

It didn't just "happen." I had to reach a point where I'd had enough, where I felt a deep, compelling need to disconnect from work, to not let it creep into my thoughts when it shouldn't and certainly to refuse to try to accomplish anything over the weekend. It can be difficult in my company's culture (or maybe it's really only isolated to my work group) to draw the line between being a dedicated, consciencious employee, always available and willing to help clients, and backing off enough to let my mind refresh. Between late last year and last weekend, that line was blurred too often.

So last weekend I drew the line: I simply didn't bring work files home. I had background reading I could have done, e-mails I could have responded to, and instead went to an all-day school function for my daughter. Talk about a total disconnect from work. It was great. (If you've never seen a show choir competition, and if such a program exists at your local high school, GO. It's probably the most fun you'll have being sober AND rowdy.)

My point is that I had to make a decision to back away from work. The effort I was putting in wasn't yielding proportional benefits. And this week, after backing off, taking weekend time competely away, and paying attention to my physical and mental well-being, everything seemed easier, calmer, more focused. I've had energy to write, to exercise, to pay attention to the girls, to read, to create, to think. Wow. What a concept.

I always have to fight the tendency to hedge these kinds of observations: just because I'm trying to balance my life doesn't mean I'm not a devoted worker or that I'm not interested in being challenged or growing professionally. Ironically, a greater degree of balance leaves me more energy to take on additional challenges and projects. Why can't employers see this?

Why do we drive ourselves ("we" being Americans in general) working 50+ hours a week, with minimal vacation or leave time? (Maybe the more appropriate question is: Why do we allow ourselves to be driven this way?) Why do we have less paid vacation every year than any other industrialized nation? Why do we put our workers through the proverbial wringer? Aren't we better than this? Don't we see the harm we do by pushing so hard -- or conversely, doesn't any corporate leadership see the benefits we could reap by giving people time to think, to relax, to have a life outside work? Doesn't everyone work better when they're rested and energized?

There are so many issues that go along with this...so many more essays. A couple that come to mind include the delusion that "balance" is something achieved once and for all. Bullshit. Balance is a constant struggle: some weeks you win, some weeks you don't. Just because I had a good week this week doesn't mean I've got it nailed. Anyone who makes you feel incompetent because it takes time to wrestle the issue to the ground isn't dealing with the real world.

Another issue is the inequality that still exists regarding work in the home: most women still have a full-time job at home in addition to the work they do outside the home. A book I've been re-reading, first published 10 years ago, still seems relevant on this point. The author contends this is not a gender issue, it's not a "men vs. women" thing. She says what's really out of whack is employers' expectations: "powerful" jobs, those with high salaries, high social standing, high potential, tacitly require a second person (typically a woman) to keep the home base functioning. She contends that most often, conflicts about work don't arise because of differences of opinion about gender roles, but because employers' demands demean family life and obligations, which hurts both men and women. We all lose when there's no balance.

But that's a separate essay, and I still need to finish re-reading the book ("Unbending Gender: Why Work and Family Conflict and What to Do About It," by Joan Williams). For now, all I can say is that pulling back and looking at my life and my priorities in a more holistic manner has made the past week less stressful and more enjoyable. After all, it's just a job, right? It's NOT my whole life. Here's hoping I can take this lesson forward into the coming week.

Thank you, Betty

I had intended to write about something totally different before I saw the headlines that Betty Friedan died today. I feel a need to pay tribute.

I grew up seeing and hearing about the feminist (0r "women's liberation") movement, but not fully understanding its implications -- I was too young and too unaware of what was at stake. It's so ironic. The battles Betty and Gloria and Bella and all those foremothers fought seemed so theoretical at the time, as if they had no bearing on my life (or my daughters' lives -- of course, my daughters were less than a twinkle in anyone's eye at that point...my God, I could never even have imagined I would someday have sex, much less bear a child, when these women were in the public eye.) I remember people asking me, "Are you a women's libber?" And I remember responding, "I'm educated. I don't have anything to be liberated from." How naive.

But in my late twenties and into my thirties, I found plenty I needed to be liberated from in my life and in my marriages. I struggled on a day-to-day, practical basis, with questions about the limits of my autonomy, my right to my own feelings, my economic independence. The harsh reality, even after women had "won" equality (although even that's debatable since we still have no Constitutional guarantee of equal rights), is that very often, these battles are won or lost on an individual basis. And the cost can sometimes simply be too much. A woman who wants her own checking account but has to put up with physical or verbal abuse to get one has to be able to set her own priorities and boundaries.

But the fact that these battles are so personal underscores the need, I think, to continue to emphasize economic independence for women, which generally flows from having an educational basis and professional experience to fall back on. No woman should ever rely on anyone but herself when it comes down to the nitty gritty or raising children or paying the rent, because it's very possible that no one else will be there for you. Don't expect anyone to take care of you. Don't let yourself be that vulnerable, because even in this "enlightened" age, you can get trampeled. Badly. (OK, a disclaimer here: My intent is not to male-bash, but simply a cautionary note that getting an MRS degree is not a guarantee of anything.)

When I first read "The Feminine Mystique," I remember thinking that if I had read it when I was too young, I'd have dismissed so much of what Friedan wrote as irrelevant to my life, either as it was or as I assumed it would be. When I did finally read it in my late twenties, I was at a point in my first marriage when I was questioning social expectations of gender and marriage roles, and it resonated with me -- powerfully; maybe more than it should have in the late 19080s. Weren't we DONE with these issues by then?

Are we done with them now? I don't think so, especially after this week's confirmation of Samuel Alito. I fear for my daughters' rights to control their own bodies during their reproductive years -- something I took for granted during mine, thanks to Friedan and the movement she launched. Who are the leaders now who will assure that my daughters have access to contraceptives and choice? Who will be the voice who says it's OK to have a vision for your life that doesn't include husband and/or children, even if it's not what everyone else thinks a woman should want? Who will tell young women that it's good -- no, it's GREAT -- to blaze your own trail instead of following in the footsteps of previous generations?

Betty Friedan was a trailblazer. So was Simone de Beauvoir. So is Gloria Steinem, so is Gerda Lerner (read her books "The Creation of Patriarchy" and "The Creation of Feminine Consciousness"). All women need to understand our history, how we came to be where we are -- from an historical perspective, not from a "religious" or political perspective. We still get too much information that is skewed and inaccurate. Create your own women's studies course. Now. (Don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks, as I did when I was younger. "Women's studies" was codespeak for "lesbian," especially in the part of the country where I went to college.) Find your roots and then stay true to them. Be who you are meant to be -- nothing less.